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In Which I Catch Up

June 25, 2015

Why, yes, I haven’t updated this blog since March.

I wish I could give you a fabulous reason as to why, or to relate some dramatic development in my life. But, no. What it really comes down to is that I continue to hesitate putting myself out there. I keep following the same old patterns that lead me toward “doing nothing” or “not bothering,” because “it will be a failure anyway.”

I could (and I have) gone on and on about how I have all of these “circumstances” that have prevented me from living my life, that because my living situation and my graduate school experiences haven’t been glitter and rainbows and money, somehow what I do doesn’t matter.

But there’s another voice in my head, that asks why after thirty-five years on this plane of existence do I want to stay unhappy?

Normally I’d then segue into something about how I’m so awful because I’ve been throwing a giant existential temper tantrum, etc. I am convinced lately, however, that all of my mental shenanigans are actually the first step toward Enlightenment.

I’ve spent a lot of time this year trying to fix all of the externals, thinking that would make me happy.

Ultimately, what it comes down to is that I need to stop trying to control everything. I just need to live my life.

So here I am updating. Here I am reading everything on neurasthenia so that I can get my next chapter draft done. Here I am listening to my self-help gurus (lately, Jennifer Hadley and Nick and Jessica Ortner). I am catching up on Tor.com’s Star Trek rewatch. I just finished Margaret Truman’s 1980 mystery Murder in the White House, and was pleasantly surprised by how sophisticated it was. I am trying to get my head around the events of this summer, between protests near my house, Rachel Dolezal, and the Charleston shooting. I hope that the flag comes down and that everyone reads the books on the Charleston Syllabus (especially my professor Rhonda Y. Williams’ new book Concrete Demands). I am happy that Obamacare lives on.

I’m living in the present, as much as I can. It’s a good day.

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